I married the first person I had sex with. Here’s what I learned.
She stroked my leg under the table in the Student Union. I liked that, so I married her. I’m serious. This is what I’m like; I tend to go all-in immediately. I commit like crazy. At least this is…
Republished: THOUGHT CATALOG and Fatherly
The Most Important Relationship Skill
There is a one key skill that you can develop that will make you masterful in relationships. Without this skill, your relationships will be unsatisfying and short-lived. With this skill, you will be…
Our Beautiful and Painful Relationship
I don’t care if my wife leaves me. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? Sure, it would break my heart. Sure, I would cry in strange locations at random times for many…
How I’m Training My Wife to Be Happy
Cindy and I were married three-and-a-half years ago. Our companionship, intimacy, and love have deepened over that time, and we have developed an extremely stable foundation. This has been possible…
Republished: The Good Men Project
How to Create True Love
A relationship usually starts with a honeymoon period in which each person is infatuated with the other. This period can last from a few weeks to a few years, but usually last for about six months…
Why My Wife Thinks That I’m a Good Man
Recently, my wife has been calling me a good man. She said to me, “You’re such a good man, Duncan!” It really struck me hard because, while some kids want to grow up to be fire fighters, or…
How to Have Compassion for Narcissists
I’ve dealt with my fair share of narcissists. There seems to be quite a few of them in the world. I’ve been gaslighted, projected-onto, and generally treated like I was made of dog shit. Many people…
The Theory of Adorable Attachment
I’m going to start by summarizing attachment theory, and then relate it to my relationship with my wife, Cindy. If you’re already thoroughly familiar with attachment theory then you might want to…
How I’m Training Duncan to Be a Better Husband
Over the holidays, my husband Duncan published an article entitled How I’m Training My Wife to Be Happy. It’s a brow-raising title and one I knew would catch people’s attention, making some curious…
I Relentlessly Drench My Wife With Love. Here’s How and Why.
The first thing I do in the morning, when Cindy wakes up, is to tell her that I love her. With emphasis and enthusiasm, I say, “I love you soooooo much!” Then the last thing I do before we go to…
What I learned from dating a female narcissist
Only a small fraction of the women I have dated have acted-out consistently on the narcissistic spectrum. I have combined the experiences with those women into a composite for the purposes of this…
My Struggle with Projective Identification
I’ve been in therapy on and off, mostly on, for almost twenty years. I like therapy so much that I even trained to be a therapist, getting a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. Anyone who needs that much…
Hugging for High-Achievers
I’m usually at my desk in the early morning, writing nonsense like this, when I hear a distressed-sounding “boo boo?!” from the bedroom. When Cindy was very little she used to sleep in the same bed…
What Happens When My Wife Says Woof
Many years ago, I was listening to an experienced meditation teacher counseling a student about her practice. The student complained that every time she sat to meditate an owl started to hoot outside…
For Our Anniversary, We Almost Died Together
It was the fourth anniversary of our relationship. We were playing in the waves in Costa Rica when I saw that Cindy, five or six feet from me, was looking concerned. I remembered reading that…
All My Wife Needs Is Food and Cuddles
This is an off-the-cuff, quick-start care-and-feeding guide for the wonderful woman I’m lucky enough to call my wife. I’m writing this guide in a little coffee shop in Incline Village, Nevada, near…
How I Objectify My Wife
Yesterday, I published a story called “All My Wife Needs Is Food and Cuddles” (link at the end). When I shared it on Facebook, one of my female friends, who read only the first two paragraphs…
Resentment
Resentment: a yacht I used to feel with drafting sail¹ and canting keel²; once plied upon the sea of life, then harbored, safe, towards my wife³. At last I chose to seek the sane, with eyes washed…
Relationships Work When You Don’t Take Them Personally
I used to take relationships very personally. If my partner said something that pushed my buttons, initiating a cascade of righteous indignation, then I would engage with it: “How dare she say that!”…
21 Relationship Principles You Need To Know
Everyone wants a great relationship. Most people either don’t know what they need to do consistently to have a great relationship, or they struggle to take action they know is necessary. Having a…
My Boundaries Are My Responsibility
I’ve often heard people saying about others, “He needs to learn about boundaries,” meaning that he needs to learn not to overstep other people’s boundaries. To me, this seems like an inversion of the…
The Ultimate Potential of Healthy Masculinity
I’m on a plane flying back to San Jose, California from Houston, Texas. My small, blue fishing rod is in the overhead bin. A couple of days ago, on a small boat, I was piercing a hook through the…
It’s Just Another Sunday
One of my favorite things about Cindy right now is the way she hides her smiles from me. Sometimes, when I say something sweet to her, she turns away and hides the smile. When I let her know that I…
It turns me on when she cries
I’m going to tell you about an argument that my wife (Cindy) and I had last night. I’m writing about it partly because I want to show you how unexpectedly productive an argument can be; I want to…
Even the Arguments Are Perfect
After eating dinner, I sat on the sofa. Cindy was in the kitchen and she said, “Someone didn’t wash the dishes!” in a way that suggested that I should have washed them. “I’m fine! I just wish you…
The Simplicity of Life
I have psychotherapy every week. I meditate now and then; I meditated this morning. I go to work. I exercise frequently. I try to sleep for eight hours per night, and I try to go to sleep at roughly…
I Love You Like Shoes Love Feet
I love you like mountains love clouds, like cats love lasers, like the rough nib of a pen loves the words that flow from it, words it will never understand. I love you like a dog loves the sound of…
Being Together
Every day we sit for 30 minutes, on the floor, looking at each other, eye-to-eye, sometimes in silence. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we talk about what we’re feeling, sometimes about what we’re…
Happy Birthlife, Baby!
It was my wife’s birthday recently. She usually declares that the whole month in which her birthday occurs to be her “birthmonth.” At the start of the month, she makes a list of all the things she…
Why My Wife Comes 40 Times per Day
I’m not writing this article to shock you, or to brag. I know that, mostly because of shame, sex is often not discussed, or is glossed-over. I know that problems with sex is one of the main factors…
Day 62: Grow Your Emotional Bank Account
I was talking with a friend recently when I mentioned the emotional bank account. He had not heard of the concept, and I realized that many people might not know about this. I learned about the…